{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
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HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.