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When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Leaving the Barbers like
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written