Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
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Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?