I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
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Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.