“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
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This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”