me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
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I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
just having fun
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
🤣😂
what day is it?
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless