I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
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[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
*puts my mental health in rice
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Meanwhile in Portland…
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
bro what is going on at twitter
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?