If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
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Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀