Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
You Might Also Like
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Breaking news:
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.