I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
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The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
one of
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Cha-ching is my safe word
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Wednesday
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!