“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
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migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
i spent way too long on this
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy