[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
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so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.