My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
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The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
nobody’s gonna understand
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.