will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
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whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.