Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
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Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.