Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
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βWow the Good Doctor is nuts.. canβt believe this is on network TVβ
One Tree Hill in 2009:
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so Iβm about to crack a cold case.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto itβI call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
The Face ID on my phone doesnβt recognise me when Iβm smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom π πππππππ
βIβm sorry you feel that wayβ is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, βIβm sorry you feel the need to share that with me.β
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Iβll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.