Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
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warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
how it started vs how it ended