“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
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The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
just witnessed a drug deal
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!