I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
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The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.