Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
You Might Also Like
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.