them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
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Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!