This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
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I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.