Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
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“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Great game to play with friends
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
#Caturday
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home