Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
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ok hear me out: Luigiana
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.