Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
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Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Don’t touch that.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them