Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
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feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.