The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
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I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven