I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
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Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.