due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
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detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
notice
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Grandmother clock.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Watson was Holmes schooled
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Need this in my life lol
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide