I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
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“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Jupiter
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.