“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
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Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”