my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
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Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Sharon I have some bad news
2022: I can fix it
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
When he asks for feet pics
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.