Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
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Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear