“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
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How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen