Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
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date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
I just tested negative for patience.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest