Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
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I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
sensitive skin
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar