Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
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‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
some things should go without saying
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*