Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
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4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.