The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
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I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
LOL
Breaking news:
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Born to be mild.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Lube but for my dry humor.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
britain’s three elite institutions
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*