I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
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Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Just parrot things
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.