never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
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someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker