my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
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me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
In case you needed to hear it:
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.