If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
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DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.