Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
You Might Also Like
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter