this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
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My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available