“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
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[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
One venti cheeseburger please.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
and now we wait
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]