My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
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I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
I’m putting together a team
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
dam girl
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
🌱🌱🌱
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.