I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
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*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
translated into Canadian
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Ion see the issue
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang