ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
You Might Also Like
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.