They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
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are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”